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[16 Aug 2009|01:24am] |
I'm fucking depressed. I miss Jameson. I hate my job. and I'm so ready to get the hell out of charlotte.
fuckfuckfuckfuck.
I know this sounds emo but I don't even care. 2009 has officially been a shitty year and 2010 needs to hurry up and get here.
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[19 Jul 2009|03:37am] |
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my pride is wounded. or maybe just my heart.
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[10 Jul 2009|01:16am] |
guess whos going to boston on the 25th!!!
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[28 May 2009|04:08am] |
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I hate it when Ive been drinking and I start to overanalyze life too much.overwhelming waves of drunken depression.
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[15 Apr 2009|02:05pm] |
last night was awesome! Met up with Zach and walked over to EB's(where we as always ran into Richard)...We just sat,talked and drank all night and it was awesome! its so refreshing to talk to someone and know that they actually care what you have to say and are listening to you...zach and I just stayed up and talked all night after we left ebs and richard met up with us hung out and we got breakfast..
I love those guys! I wish I could express how much fun it was more but Im so tired its hard hah
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[06 Apr 2009|04:24am] |
so I pick up the mandolin 2 days ago and Ive already got an offer to be in a band..
guess I better try to get better hah
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[31 Mar 2009|03:21am] |
I finished moving into the new apartment. its pretty awesome other than the fact they havent quite finished my room. but it doesnt matter because apparently we are moving to another studio space sometime soon anyway.
Today wasn't such a bad day.
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[30 Mar 2009|02:11am] |
aaron and I broke up today...
im kind of depressed..............
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[28 Mar 2009|09:37pm] |
I talked to my grandparents earlier about moving to new york. as boring as it is I think I may do it just to spice things up..I won't be moving until the summer and its going to be far upstate but I kind of want to be closer to NYC. I think I may try and see if this modeling thing would work for me. I think Im unique looking enough and tall enough..and you only live once so why not try to make something of myself? Kenni said she would move up with me so Id at least have one person from NC to be with..plus being two hours away from new york city! how badass would that be! and I could actually seriously look into getting my license and whatnot. plus my grandparents aren't going to be alive forever and I never spend time with them. Id get to see my baby cousins and watch them get older..and if anything I could always come back to charlotte if it wasnt right....
so in june/july I believe Im going to be saying GOODBYE CAROLINA!
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[28 Mar 2009|01:37pm] |
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mood |
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life has been pretty hectic lately. I believe Ill be out of this house on rollins fairly soon and honestly Im really looking forward to it. I really feel uncomfortable and unwanted here.IDk...Im not really sure about what Im going to do about aaron. Ive been thinking about this for so long and I dont want to make a rash decision unless Im completely positive about it. I just dont feel the passion that used to be there between us. I dont know if we lost it or it just is in hiding or what. I care about him a lot and I love him but I think we lost the feeling of being "in love". but what is love anyways? how can you even gauge that feeling anymore? I feel like such an ass hole for holding it in for soo long and not saying anything. Im really confused.On the other hand the thought of being alone is sooo..I dont know howto put this...refreshing? Ive been in and out of relationships and getting romantically involved with people for so long. Im 20 now and I have no idea what it feels like to be independent and alone. thats another thing:I feel like Ive changed soo much lately. I dont know what I want to do or be in the long run but I know that being alone might help that.. but maybe im trying to rationalize this too much..
I went to durham a few days ago to see Deer Tick play once again. they are soo talented and such cool guys. they ended up staying with us at charlies house and we stayed up and drank all night with them.. the lead singer John and I stayed up until 730 in the morning just talking about life. he talked to me about his girlfriend and I talked to him about aaron. it was fun to meet new people and get along with them soo well. But I definitely will be going to see them play again whenever they come back to the carolinas. I am now a Tick Head hah. God I havent had fun like that in soo long, my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing soo much..I want my life to be like that all the time..
Im getting sick of charlotte though. I don't feel at home here anymore. I'm itching to travel somewhere or move somewhere and start over.. I want freedom and a blank slate.
there's so much more to be said but ive drawn a blank...
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[07 Jan 2009|10:53pm] |
I really have become very boring...all I do is sit at home by myself. Even when I have off of work I cant strike up the nerve to call anyone..I feel like if I get someone to drive all the way over to see me that I have to entertain them to my utmost ability.and honestly I cant do it. Ive become so awkward around people that were once so easy to talk to..idk...
Im sick. I woke up this morning with a sore throat..so did aaron. so apparently someone gave it to both of us... Ive been lazy all day..I need to pick up more shifts. I need to make more money...
other than that nothing new has been going on..I wish I saw some people more before they left for their respective college destinations. or at all. ive been a pretty shitty friend lately...I need to stop being that way.
Im itching to start driving soon. If I knew I could afford a car Id probably be a little more active about studying/getting things going. but I doubt its going to happen because I always think its about to but it never does..
Im a pessimist.
we got a new roommate..one of hannahs friends..I havent talked to him much yet.but he makes rent cheaper so I guess its cool.
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[28 Dec 2008|08:04pm] |
Ive become such a solitary individual lately. I feel like Im a boring person now. I dont do much. I work and go home.
so for christmas aaron is paying for $200 dollars worth of tattoo work for me. amanda got me a sweater. and so far thats all ive received in gifts other than kenni's help. I havent talked to my family or anything...its been a lonely december.
I thought I had something more to write but ive drawn a blank.
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[21 Dec 2008|12:19pm] |
so I think Im doing fairly well this month. Ive been working my butt off and trying to be more social. ive made a good chunk of money compared to how ccf has been lately too. I am however working christmas eve and the days following christmas which Im not looking forward too. I have nothing else to do though since my family is going to new york to see my grandparents..I wish I could afford to go visit. my little cousins madison and matthew are getting big and theyre both so adorable...
I finished christmas shopping for several of my friends. I got justin a 7" vinyl of nofx with the version of the longest line where el hefe sings instead of fat mike and 1 other song. I got aaron 2 records too, the specials and minutemen live. I think I did good finding the specials because theyre albums are hard to come by on vinyl. I havent gotten kenni anything thusfar but she wants me to just make her something. I think Im going to find a picture of her or us and paint it for her...because I dont know how Im supposed to make anything else.but yeah I really wanted to get aaron an xbox 360 but I dont think I can afford it anymore...
we had our 1 year anniversary on monday. it was a good day overall and he got me a really good gift..I felt bad becauseI just bought him some dvds...maybe I can get him a mp3 player...idk..and Im not sure if I should get amanda anything..I havent known her that long but Id feel bad if I got everyone else something but her...but yeahhh...
work tonight..Im not looking forward to it. I feel exhausted and Ive had 2 days off..
I need to find something to scrounge up to eat..hmm..
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[19 Nov 2008|11:42am] |
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so I have yet to make more than 40 dollars in my 3 shifts a week here at cheesecake factory. Ive been trying to pick up shifts but its nearly impossible. I have less than 80 dollars right now and Im trying to figure out how the hell im supposed to pay rent this month..maybe Ill just get evicted. itll probably make things easier for me and give me less to worry about.. god I hate being poor. I keep putting it in the back of my mind and then it comes bursting forth once more. FUCK. I have no idea what Im going to do.I have one week to make 280 dollars. how am I supposed to do that?
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[16 Nov 2008|11:36am] |
So I found out my exboyfriend chris who I dated for 2 years is dating MK. not that many people will understand or care. Im not jealous or bothered by it to be quite honest..just surprised and happy for them. I think theyll make a good couple and be together for a while...
still poor..hmm..yeah. dont really know what to write in here..sorry to all those whove called me lately..ive been MIA
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[01 Nov 2008|04:19am] |
tonight was a lot of fun surprisingly. I thought I was going to have a horrible night because I didnt have a costume ready at all and I had a massive headache today. My first headache in years. went to carnevil with kenni for like 15 minutes,bailed out and then went to a party in noda with amanda and chelsea. 2/3 of the not likelys were there and talked to them all night. I feel way less awkward around people with a full day of not smoking pot. I feel inclined to do it more often. then Kenni and I left and went back to aaron's new house and about an hour later matt, bam bam and patrick(2/3 of the not likelys+friend) came back to aarons too and hung out. I had a really good time talking to all of them. bam bam fell asleep and then we proceeded to completely fuck with him because he was a realllyyyy heavy sleeper. put makeup all over his face and a indian headband on him and took lots of pictures..Ill post them up soon.
well goodnight all. and I hope everyone enjoyed there halloween.
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[30 Oct 2008|11:56am] |
god I suck. I can't believe that he ran away. or that he could have pulled away from me with that long ass leash. Im such an asshole. damnit.
this sucks.
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[27 Oct 2008|05:58pm] |
this weekend was fun. It was nice to get away from charlotte and do something for once. NOFX was amazing of course and I had a great time with close friends.
I have this feeling that some people are distancing themselves from me though and I dont know why. I feel like I havent been myself lately.
yeahhhh
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[18 Oct 2008|12:00am] |
last night I got super depressed. I feel as if I have no close friends anymore or friendships with meaning. noone calls me anymore or invites me out other than chanty and a few others. I feel antisocial and unhappy.
aaron came over and pretty much immediately knew there was something wrong with me. I know I get upset with him fairly often.he aggravates me and drives me crazy sometimes but I can say one thing:he is there for me no matter what and he always knows how to make me feel better. I really do love him and last night it was put in front of my face and I felt like it was a wake up call. I don't know what I'd do without him. I feel like I have no family anymore.especially after finding out my dad,stepmom and stepbrother are leaving for germany in 6 months. It kind of slapped me in the face when he didnt tell me immediately after he found out..I called him one day and it was like"oh by the way did I tell you im moving to germany for five years?" ..I feel as if he found himself a new wife and new son who make him happier than chris and I were ever capable of doing. I know my dad and I arent very close anymore but I feel as if hes abandoning me for a better family and seemingly a better life...
but yeah I dont know thats all I have to say for now.
thank you for texting me this morning ashley. it meant alot and I know if anything that youll be here for me..sorry I didnt respond I was still asleep at the time hah.
love you and miss you. Im pretty sure your the only one who reads my livejournal anymore hah.
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[16 Oct 2008|11:32pm] |
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I feel really depressed right now. I feel like noone gives a damn about me. I have no friends.I can't even articulate my emotions. I just wish I could stop crying.
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